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It’s My Fault

8 Dec

It really pains me to admit this but I feel like I have to. With recent revelations I have found out that my daughter is allergic to milk and gluten, and with these revelations I am certain that this whole horrible fiasco is my fault. 100% my fault and my husband should stop taking some of the blame-that’s how awesome he truly is-. By blame and fault I mean I totally over loaded my daughter’s digestive system with gluten and milk. Back when my daughter was 1 and just starting to drink milk and eat solidish foods we were more broke than we are now. Soon I will post about the whole accident/fight break up but right now it’s about me.

We had gotten cut off from food stamps because the eligibility worker lied and said we could qualify with my husband being on worker’s comp. This was helpful because worker’s comp went to rent and bills and food stamps fed us along with W.I.C. Well one day we were suddenly cut off from foods stamps because worker’s comp. was too much money. This lead to a HUGE fiasco with social services which is still being dealt with-the eligibility worker, his supervisor and state of California let us apply and gave written word that it was okay to get food stamps.-We were now on $2,1000 a month from worker’s comp with rent being $1,400 and dealing with bills and feeding 5 people. FOOD WAS TIGHT!

It was this time that I was giving my daughter Cheerios and milk, it was what W.I.C offered and what we had. I would constantly give my daughter Cheerios, handfuls at a time. I’d give her Cheerios and she’d always ask for more-I figured why not? They’re whole grains,it’s not junk food-.

When I breast feed my daughter she would eat A LOT! Like 12 and more times a day.-which is the norm for some babies-So when she would want more milk I would give it to her and she was always saying she wanted more. Milk, Cheerios, food I felt SOOOOOOOOO bad because we did not have to the food to go around 5 ways, Cheerios and milk were there.  A 1-2 year old should drink 16-24oz of milk a day. My daughter was around 40! 40 f*n oz!-my husband should/will no long have to say it was both of us when it was only me-I know that is horrible, this decision lead to my daughter having failure to thrive.

Out of all this horribleness I have found out that I have Celiac’s Disease, and passed it down to my daughter-which i only made worst-. All I can say is that no one should have to go through what our family has gone through-in many ways-.Yes we were poor-and still are-,but I am also lazy.-I’m not religious at all but I think one of those 7 deadly sins was about not being like a sloth, those animals that are really lazy.All I’m saying is look what it lead to!-I still can be lazy, but I work on forcing myself to do extra things everyday. Once again I know how horrible this sounds but you try growing up with a crack addicted mom and alcoholic dad-who’s totally gay!-and you tell me how you turn out! In fact let’s swap stories! It is the hardest thing in the world to get up and do things day in and day out, I admire those people. My husband is like that, that’s also why it sucks to be in this situation.

So here I am doing something everyday; cleaning, teaching my daughter, cooking, writing.-right? I know that’s nothing at all compared to what most people can do in a day-I think about how I never had to do anything ever-I did but I could always get out of it-. When you a kid and you’re poor, most of the time people don’t care if you come or go. When you’re married and there’s mouths to feed and constant cleaning to do, it’s a lot different. I get how people can flip out and get unhappy from the pressure. The trick is to realize when you’ve made a mistake and fix it. That’s it…. it’s not anyone else’s fault but your own. Just like me in my situation. Sure it turns out that my daughter has Celiac’s, but she could have been able to tolerate milk. It’s my fault and I feel way less guilty now, on the other hand I know why feel guilty and get off my lazy ass!





In the beginging….. Part 2

19 Sep

One day in 10th grade I was having dinner w/my mom, her co-worker and his boyfriend. On the drive there I was feeling a little side pain and, of course I forgot my pills. Nonetheless the sushi buffet waited.-to date the best sushi buffet I’ve been to- On my 1st first plate the pain was becoming so intense that they were asking if I was okay. I told them I was fine and slowly ate my food.

When I got up for my 2nd plate I wanted to eat so bad but the pain was too much and I didn’t care; I went back to the table and slummped over in that horrible pain again. My mom’s friends were asking me if I was okay? She told them that for the past year she’d been taking me to the Dr’s and they haven’t found anything wrong and that it was probably psychosomatic.-moms and Dr’s agree- As I’ve got my head on the table the boyfriend asks,Is that normal? I don’t think that’s normal!

Within in that next week I was at the Dr’s and my mom was telling her that something was wrong we’d been dealing with this for over a year; actually sticking up for me!-I will always remember that guy–not his name of course– and how he saved my life! Thank you and sorry I forgot your name, also sorry your boyfriend was a murderer and you took of on the lamb to San Fran!-

The Dr ordered an ultrasound for me, when the day came I couldn’t pee for a couple of hours before going to the hospital and it was annoying.-and makes all the diff in test results- The ultrasound technician got me set up on this chair and put warm ky jelly on my abdomen; she moved her magic wand-stethoscope around and my insides were on the screen.-just like when you’re prego’s, but with a full bladder and no baby- There was a white lump in a sea of black on the ultrasound t.v, I asked her what that lump was and she told me she didn’t know. She zoomed in on it and took lots of pictures of it. When she was done I flew out of that room to the bathroom; as we were walking to the car my mom and I were talking about the white lump on the screen and how the technician was lying. We both knew something was wrong.

Two weeks later I was back at the Dr.’s office and she told me I had an ovarian cyst which was the cause of all my pains.-No apology for accusing me of making it up- She explain what they were and why they cause horrible pain but, not why my body does it.-Nothing really explains why some women get cyst- She recommended that I take birth control pills to not have a period, I asked if that was normal?-being a women and all I think it’s the point to have one-

To say it’s weird to take birth control to not have a period would be mild. I did it for 3 years, first with the pills then with the shots. I always felt/feel that it is just a way of masking a problem that no one has a solution to. After I was prescribed birth control my Dr. never talked to me about it again, only when I would address the fact I think it’s unnatural and how could my body would even betray me like this she would say,“Well do you want to be in pain? I can prescribe you Ibuprofen or Naproxin.”

My final time-EVER- getting that horrible shot that makes your ass cheek numb and hurt when you sit down-some of you know what I mean- came when a friend of a friend got it. When were all hanging out at a friend’s house and she was talking about how she had got the shot the day earlier and her ass cheek was hurting. We laughed and giggled about how it hurt to sit on the toilet to pee and all that fun jazz girls do. Later in the afternoon she was saying she wasn’t feeling well and was feeling dizzy. It was a little time after her telling us that when I looked over at her and she was green!-I mean DAMN BITCH YOU GREEN! It was horrible! She started throwing up everywhere and my friend and I got scared; we couldn’t get a hold of her mom! We walked her home and on the way she just kept puking! When we got to her door her mom flung open the door and started screaming,“Why is she green why is she green!” Later that night when we called her her mom picked up and said they had to take her to the hospital and they found out she was having a bad reaction-not allergic- to the birth control shot.

Needless to say, my friend who had been thinking about the shot decided not to. I decided with wasn’t worth it and would go back to being in horrible pain. The girl recovered from the shot and went pack to the pill. It’s amazing how as women we play around with our bodies; birth control, weight loss and everything in between. It is really easy to do some thing if the information isn’t there or very little. It is especially easy to do something if a Dr. tells you because you  just figure their the Dr.

Well what the Dr. didn’t tell me; when you stop your period for 3 years, and decide to have it magically come back, it totally makes up for itself for the months that it has been away…


In the begining….. Part 1

30 Jun

I never wanted children as far back as I can remember. It always seemed like a hassle and stress with no fun.(2/3 anyone?) I’ve always been a floater never really caring about anything because there was no reason to.  To think of it, the 1st thing I ever cared about and not just another one of my short term obsessions, was food. I remember the Discovery Channel had a show where they would tour hotels around the world, they’d do a segment where the hotel chefs would cook a meal.  I remember thinking,

Do you eat that sauce on the plate? Why do they put sauce on the plate? I want to eat that sauce. I remember running(walking fast paced) to get home and catch it before it went off.

Growing up and up to a certain point it was my mom and I. My diet as a young one was Hamburger

Helper, Rice a Roni along with many others in boxes. LOTS of fast food thanks in part to my mother’s drug addiction.(another story, another time) and of course the Big Sunday night meal of Soul/Southern food (however you want to look at it) along with all the snacks you can think of in between.  I never really ate breakfast and still don’t. Eating(for me) first thing in the morn is like a death sentence, acidity hurts my stomach and a bowl of cereal makes me feel nauseous. I eventually learned that bacon and a pop tart or bacon and a handful or two of cereal or just bacon would leave my stomach mellow.(to my credit for breakfast I had potatoes-new stomach mellowness-cooked in bacon grease, yah I’m going out young)(BTW I totally believe in getting rid of Breakfast and replacing it with Brunch!!!!)

In Jr. high my walk to school took 50mins. In order to catch the bus I would have to get up earlier; walk 20mins to the bus stop, then be at school when I didn’t have to be there, so walking was not that bad.  Especially because I could take a couple of hits off my mom’s or her boyfriend’s joints and especially because I would pass by 7/11 on my way to school.  Weapons of choice were, chilli+cheese nachos w/ the works, if it was the right time of year(or life) a big banana Slurpee and a Raven(for you not in the know Raven was a 90’s candy of pure pastel sugar in a tube, the uber being black) My mornings when ever applicable were of weed, nachos, slurp and candy.(Did I mention the BACON?) I’m sure all of you remember Jr. high,(how could you not)  no body really eats the food just fries, pizza and the crap that they make that’s crappier than the crap you can get in the free world(7/11) Lunch time was filled with chips, candy and Mountain Dew(because it used to lower sperm counts it was considered a girls only drink)on top of whatever i had eaten in the morning. When I look back at pics I see myself having a little chub nothing major, always been tall and skinny plus I had friends my height and taller and I was the stick.(even though I didn’t feel it)

Around 9th grade is the 1st time my side hurt. Ever since I started my rag in Jr high I had horrible debilitating cramps, many times I had to leave school because of it.(when they were gone it became awesome) When I would pre-start my rag my side would hurt horribly, when I was on my rag I would hurt so bad that I’d want to stick my hand in my body to rip it out the pain out. Then the after a couple of rounds the pain would switch sides and, there’d be the times I started my rag when I would just have the horrible cramps. (simple fix with naproxen or ibuprofen) I’d tell my mom about my period pain and she’d tell me to take an ib or naproxen she would tell me that the pain is psychosomatic. This went on for a while I believed it; telling myself that the pain was not intense, all this was normal, the lumps I would feel of my sides were weren’t real. This went on for a year(left,left,right,nothing glorious nothing) telling the doctors everything and them and they telling me it was psychosomatic.(Hmmmm)  It’s really sad because I know I am not the first or only person to experience this. I always think about telling my mom that my belly button would hurt or my heel hurting after a long day of playing, I could never fucking breathe after running and my heart would hurt.(still does)  I’m glad now with the internet people get information and push issues with their Dr’s and get the chance to be psychosomatic. Because when you’re a psycho, it doesn’t make it real.


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